Hoping for less stress in 2020? Here are some New Year’s resolutions to add
to your list:
Inspire your family to work together and share the load of
household responsibilities
Respect and support other family members’ solutions to shared
problems
See children as capable partners and use collaboration instead
of exasperation to get things done.
Who doesn’t want more help around the house? That’s probably a universal
wish. But some of us have the feeling that we have to do it all by
ourselves. In many families, someone will gravitate toward the role of
“boss,” and in certain seasons of life (new baby, new job, moving) this can
be an efficient, short-term way to run a family. However, if we hold on to
the “boss” role for too long, we will come to find that it’s an energy- and
relationship-draining way to run the family.
What to do?
You may already have reached the conclusion that you don’t want to do it
all yourself, but you don’t know how to cultivate the elusive goal of
cooperation. How do we elicit help around the house? When are kids going to
“see” what needs to be done and then get the energy, motivation and skills
to do it?
For the purposes of this article, we are going to focus on those perennial
family household projects that affect everyone – things like organizing the
front hall closet, keeping the garage from turning into a dump, preparing
meals and planning vacations.
Let’s use the example of the front hallway closet. You know how the eyes
are said to be the windows to the soul? Well, I believe the front hallway
is the window to the family. How we exit and enter the house speaks to us,
speaks to our kids and speaks to our visitors. Does it say, “We are a mess
and can’t get it together” or does it say, “We’ve got this, and we do lots
of interesting things that we are usually on time for!”
Six steps to better cooperation
If you’re stuck in the “mess” camp and would like to get more organized,
help is on hand from Julie Morgenstern, New York Times Best
Selling author of six books, including her latest, “Time to Parent.” In a
recent conversation, I asked her how she would gain the cooperation of a
nine-year-old, for example, in helping to clean out the over-stuffed,
under-sorted, dumping ground of the front hall closet. Here is what she
suggested:
- Mindset Shift
Kids like doing projects and they like doing stuff with you – as long as
you come to it with a sense of fun and don’t act like it’s a burden to you
or your kids. Remind yourself that learning and practicing organization is
one of the greatest gifts parents can give their kids. It gives them a
great sense of self-sufficiency, agency and skill.
- Ask for help and respect their time table
Start with an open-ended question, “Look at this closet, it doesn’t really
work very well, does it? What do you think is wrong with it?” Invite your
child to analyze with you. Is it that things get lost and no one can find
them? They’re hard to put away? The space is too cluttered? Stuff falls
down? The rod is too high? There is no container? Then you say, “I need
your brain power.” Continue with visioning. “What is essential and needed
on a daily basis? Let’s make a list of those, and then guide your kids in
seeing how tackling this job will impact the family. “What are we going to
gain? How will it help our family if we get this squared away?”
- Make a plan
Determine together the three to five categories that should live in the
closet. What are the zones? Create a plan for coats, shoes, bags, seasonal
accessories, sports equipment or other items that need to have a place.
- Sort it out
Sorting is magical. Start there, and additional needs and answers will
bubble up on their own. Take everything out of the closet and divide things
into one of four categories: keep in the closet, find another home, donate,
trash. Try to make it a physical and fun activity. Ask kids how long they
think it will take, and then have them set a timer.
- Have an open mind
Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers and the solution before
you start. Be willing to listen to and accept your kids’ ideas about how to
get the closet organized. Say (and truly believe) “I think it will be
better if you help. I think you will bring good ideas to the project.”
Remember, this front closet is shared, and if they solve the problem they
are more likely to respect the solution and do the upkeep more reliably.
- Aim for “Good Enough”
Working with your child to achieve an adequate result with their
problem-solving input and cooperation is better than forcing them to do
things exactly the way you like them. Avoid rushing and refrain from
criticizing. Accept your kids as emerging organizers. They don’t have to be
perfect; the solution doesn’t have to be exactly what you imagined. If you
can do that, you will find your load gets lighter and your relationship
with your kids gets deeper.
Common obstacles to cooperation
There are predictable speedbumps in the road to cooperation. If we ignore
them and accelerate ahead, we can get off track. If we slow down and
address them, we usually stay on the road to cooperation and find ourselves
with a mostly cleaned-out closet and a good relationship with our kid. Dara
Kessler, a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP) and mother of two teen boys, has identified four ideas parents should
keep in mind when encouraging cooperation.
- No “solution” is permanent
Expect to change things up in three weeks to a year. Chores, motivation and
getting things done are continuous works in progress.
- Give up on top-down
Parents will have more success gaining cooperation when the kids generate
the list of what needs to be done and how to do it. Use inexpensive office
supplies to make lists, leave notes, brainstorm ideas. Rather than your
gopher, assistant or underling, your child should be treated as a full
partner in problem solving.
- Take time to train
Parents often have a blind spot in terms of their kids’ capability and
expect them to know how to do a task when they have never been taught how.
On the other hand, with adequate training, they are capable of learning
more than we may think. For example, they can be taught how to fill out
their own forms, clean air conditioner coils and patch and paint holes in
walls.
- Let go of control
Things fall apart when we rush our kids or act like we know how to do
everything ourselves. We are disrespecting our kids when we take jobs over
from them. Of course, it’s easier, faster and neater to cook, clean and
organize ourselves. We need to let go of that if our goal is to raise
helpful, capable, cooperative children.
Make a resolution to free yourself in 2020 from the burden of being the
“boss.” When you don’t have to have all the answers you create
space for new ideas, plumped-up mutual respect and creative and inspired
ways to meet the needs of the situation. You’ll start seeing your family as
a cooperative and fun team who can count on each other to solve problems,
clean out closets and maintain order. What a great way to start the New
Year!
